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King John · William Shakespeare · c. 1596
THE BASTARD
A sharp-tongued illegitimate son watches two kings abandon a righteous war for a cash-and-marriage deal, and dissects the hypocrisy with a grin. Then he admits he'd sell out too, given the offer.
The speech134 words · 4 beats
0:00 / 1:20
Mad world! mad kings! mad composition!
John, to stop Arthur's title in the whole,
Hath willingly departed with a part:
And France, whose armour conscience buckled on,
Whom zeal and charity brought to the field
As God's own soldier, rounded in the ear
With that same purpose-changer, that sly devil.
That smooth-faced gentleman, tickling Commodity,
Commodity, the bias of the world,
The world, who of itself is peised well,
Made to run even upon even ground,
Till this advantage, this vile-drawing bias,
This sway of motion, this Commodity,
Makes it take head from all indifferency.
And why rail I on this Commodity?
But for because he hath not woo'd me yet:
Not that I have the power to clutch my hand,
When his fair angels would salute my palm.turn
Well, whiles I am a beggar, I will rail
And say there is no sin but to be rich;
And being rich, my virtue then shall be
To say there is no vice but beggary.
Since kings break faith upon commodity,
Gain, be my lord, for I will worship thee!
- Speaking to
- The audience, addressed as fellow cynics.
- What just happened
- The kings of England and France, sworn enemies moments ago, have just made peace over a marriage and a dowry, betraying the cause they claimed was sacred. The Bastard stays behind to name what he saw.
- Objective
- To expose self-interest as the only real god men serve, and then indict himself with it.
- The turn
- 'And why rail I on this Commodity? / But for because he hath not woo'd me yet' — the moralist confesses he only objects to the bribe he hasn't been offered.
- Watch out for
- The trap is playing it as straight satire. The Bastard is delighted by the corruption he describes; the wit is affectionate. The final self-indictment must land as a wink, not a sermon. Keep the antithesis crisp.